


Heroes

by Thenerdintheattic



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bullying, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Jean's childhood, M/M, Memories, Nightmare, POV Jean, POV Marco Bott, Reiner as a big brother figure, angst in later chapters, from beginning of training until Jean's decision to join the scouts, jeanmarco
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-05-24 03:30:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14946767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thenerdintheattic/pseuds/Thenerdintheattic
Summary: A selection of scenes depicting key moments in Jean and Marco's relationship, from the beginning of their friendship until Jean's decision to join the scouts. M/M relationship.New chapters on Tuesdays and Fridays





	1. Headache

**Author's Note:**

> I'll treat Marco's death in a later chapter and there may be some smut along the way, so I'll tag and add the proper warnings when the time comes.  
> This fic is already completely written, so the next chapters should come regularly (once or twice a week, I don't know)  
> It was meant to be only one long chapter, but I've decided to cut it, so some chapters will be longer than others.
> 
> I borrowed the title of this fic to David Bowie, I thought that Heroes suited those two quite well
> 
> Enjoy!

The rumours of many conversations hanged heavy in the already oppressive room. Jean Kirstein was trying his best to ignore them, the quiet chats and the barks of laughter alike. He was too busy staring at his bowl, attempting to convince himself to finish the disgusting food that was inside but even that seemed to require too much effort. After a day of intense training, he was knackered and slightly annoyed that the others did not seem to be in the same state. He could not possibly be the only one around having a headache, could he?

“Can I sit there?” the voice was soft and kind of soothing in this racket. Jean did not even look up. Human interaction was the last thing he wanted.

“You can sit where the fuck you want.”

A normal human being would have gone away, maybe after having insulted him first, but this one _thanked_ him and sat on the other side of the wooden table. Jean looked up, curious to see who was stupid enough to brave his bad mood. It was Marco Bodt, a tall dark-haired boy with amazing freckles.

_Wait … when did I start thinking about freckles in that way?_

Jean dismissed the thought. It did not matter, he was too tired to think straight anyway.

“Why do you always sit alone?”

“Because I don’t want to have to speak with idiots like you.” He burst out without even thinking.

Marco laughed softly.

“Good comeback.”

Jean shrugged to show his indifference. Maybe he had been too quick to respond but Marco did not seem to offend easily.

“Sorry.” He felt like he had to apologise. Marco was actually a good guy, he did not deserve to be told off like this. “I’m tired and I have a headache.” _And I want to be alone._ Somehow this thought never became words.

“Yeah I guessed that.”

Jean forced himself to eat another spoonful and could not help a grimace. This shit was really bad. With difficulty, he swallowed and pushed the bowl away. He was not even that hungry anymore. He could have left to join his bed but somehow, he felt that he had to remain there until Marco had finished. It didn’t take the boy long to empty his bowl and when he did, he looked up at Jean with curiosity.

“You don’t have to wait for me, I’m perfectly happy staying alone.”

Jean looked at all the other free spots.

“Then why did you come here in the first place?”

“You looked like you could have used some company.”

Jean rubbed his chin, unsure if he should be confused or annoyed.

“Are you messing with me?”

“Maybe.” Marco’s expression was dead serious but Jean was quick to notice the amused light in his eyes and after a moment of hesitation, he started to laugh. The other boy joined him, attracting them a couple of curious looks from the nearby tables.

“Geez man, I didn’t know you had what it takes to stand up to me.”

Marco dismissed the comment with a smirk.

“You’re not as tough as you want everyone to think.”

Jean raised an eyebrow and invited him to continue. He was curious to know how much Marco could see through him.

“You pretend to be a jerk, and I must admit that you’re doing a very good job at it, but I think it’s because you don’t want to be too close to people. The colossal titan could break wall Rose any day. Any of us could die any day. And I think that deep down you’re just scared.”

Jean remained silent, too dumbfounded to react. Of course, what Marco had said was not true and yet his words echoed strangely in him. How bold of him to just assume that he understood him so much! They’d barely exchanged ten words, he could not possibly know.

“I’m not scared.” He finally said.

Marco shook his head, clearly not trying to hide his disbelief.

“You want to know what else I think, Jean?”

No, not really, because he knew somehow that it would hit him too close to home.

“I think you’re a sweet guy, salty, that’s undeniable, but you’re also kind and I wish you’d let people see it.”

Jean laughed through grinned teeth, a sound very different from the laugh he had shared with Marco only minutes before.

“I’m not a nice guy, Marco.”

Jean did not leave him time to answer. He didn’t want to argue, not anymore. He started to walk away but a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

“I won’t tell anyone, I promise. I just want you to know that you don’t have to pretend in front of me.”

Jean freed himself with a shrug of his shoulder and walked away. He would have loved to scorn Marco’s words as much as he would have loved to despise his whole being but he could not bring himself to it for one simple reason.

His headache was gone.


	2. Each Other's Back

After the dinner incident, Jean unintendedly paid more attention to Marco. He started to make small talk with the boy and observe him during training. Marco was good, not shining like Mikasa or Reiner, but he was surely getting by and Jean never doubted that he would make it to the Military Police. Yet, there was something almost fragile about him, maybe it was his trusting nature or his outgoing behaviour, maybe it was just his cute smile, Jean didn’t really want to know. But when he noticed that, he made sure to stay close to him, just in case. Marco seemed to accept the intrusion and didn’t appear to be baffled by Jean’s rough exterior. They soon started to share most of the meals together which, in turn, lead them to be good friends.

Under Marco’s influence, Jean started to be more affable to some of the other cadets and even if he still couldn’t stand Eren, he began to consider them as more than annoying acquaintances. Not friends though, or at least not like Marco. What he felt for the freckled boy was different. He didn’t feel the need to always know where the others were and what they were doing, he didn’t have this urge to appear at his best in front of them. Not like with Marco. He enjoyed greatly talking with him and their evening meetings had become his favourite part of the day (unless Eren was embarrassing himself, nothing could beat that). The two of them would meet at the end of each day regardless of their tiredness and talk for hours about the day, their childhood, their future plans…

That evening, Marco was on his way to meeting Jean when he overheard them. Three trainees that he had never really liked were laughing loudly. He would have passed without minding them if he hadn’t heard Jean’s name being pronounced and followed by more snorts. He joined them and stood in front of them, hands on his hips.

“What did you just say?”

They looked at him with a surprise that didn’t last five seconds.

“It’s Marco Bodt, he’s always following Kirstein everywhere.” One of them said.

“You’re here to defend your boyfriend?”

“Hey Bodt, how many dicks do you think the motherfucker will suck to end up in the MP?”

Their laughter, that had temporarily stopped, started again and Marco felt his blood boil in his veins. It wasn’t the first time that people were mocking Jean for wanting to join the Military Police but never with so much venom. His fist fell on a nose even before he decided to punch.

When he joined Jean later for their daily encounter, he was in a pretty bad state. The three guys had beaten him up pretty badly and if he had been able to give back some of the blows, they had soon empowered him. Lucky for him, he had always been fast and despite the pain in all his body, he had managed to run away before it had gotten too serious. His first thought had been to go straight to the infirmary but fighting with other cadets would mean a lot of trouble and the three jerks were definitely not worth it. Besides, he wasn’t hurt that badly, Jean would be able to fix him in no time. Then, he could just pretend he had fallen or something. However, things were never so easy when Jean was involved.

When he saw him coming in this state, Jean jumped to his feet and run towards his friend.

“What the hell happened to you?”

“You need to help me.” Marco panted. “If I go to the infirmary, I’ll be in trouble.”

Jean clenched his fists.

“Who did this to you?”

“It doesn’t matter! Jean…”

But already, the other boy had started to run in the direction Marco had come from. This idiot was going to get himself beaten up as well. Marco rolled his eyes and started to limp towards the barracks. He was slow and in pain but he reached his destination soon enough. As he had hoped, their friends were still there, finishing their dinner. When they saw him, they raised as one.

“Marco! What happened?” Armin asked.

“It’s Jean. He’s in trouble.”

He didn’t need to ask, they all followed. Armin, Mikasa, Connie, Sacha, Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie, Thomas, Krysta and even Ymr and Eren. When they reached the fight scene, one of the three guys was already out of the game. He was lying on the ground, his face covered in blood. Marco looked for Jean. One of the two remaining cadet was holding him while the other one was hitting him. As the group came closer, the two guys stopped to look at them.

“Come on don’t tell me you’re standing up for this asshole?”

“No, we’re standing up against you.” Annie responded. “Three against one, really?”

The two guys exchanged a look. These motherfuckers were a lot, besides Mikasa and Annie were with them. They didn’t stand a chance. They picked up their friend and were on their way, not without giving the group one last vulgar gesture. Marco limped towards Jean and helped him up. Since his friend had started to run for trouble, Marco had been dead worried but now that he was seeing his face covered in blood, he felt a wave of anger wash over him.

“You idiot!”

Jean tried a smile but Marco’s expression reprimanded him. He looked disappointed and when he turned away, Jean felt a weight on his heart. Reiner and Bertholdt helped him on his feet and supported him until the barracks. Marco was walking in front of him, with Eren’s help and didn’t turn around to check on him once. At the barracks, Sacha and Armin cleaned his wounds and when they were finished, Marco decided to join Jean. Annie and Krysta were with him and with a thank you, he invited them to leave. They looked at Jean and complied. Marco came closer, took the wet clothe the girls had been using and started to clean Jean’s face.

“I didn’t need you to stand up for me.” Marco began softly.

His anger had faded, he could only feel bad for what had happened.

“I couldn’t let them get away with it.”

“So being beaten up yourself was the best solution.”

Jean raised his chin in a defying posture.

“I didn’t think.”

“That’s the problem, Jean. You’re far from being stupid. You can’t just lose it every time I get a scratch because this reckless behaviour will cost you a lot one day.”

Jean lowered his eyes and grimaced when the cloth reached one of his deeper cut. Marco smiled.

“Baby.”

“You’re the baby.”

Marco laughed softly and kept cleaning him carefully.

“In this case, I’m your baby.”

Jean looked up, biting his lips. Marco blushed and looked away.

“Sorry this was weird.”

“No. You are mine, babe.”

Marco frowned before seeing the amused light in his friend’s eyes. He hit him gently on the shoulder.

“Don’t mess with me, Kirstein.”

“Anything for you, babe.”

They messed around for a while but had to stop when they both grimaced in pain. Marco wet the cloth again and kept cleaning Jean’s face.

“I just got so angry.” Jean whispered after a while. “Sorry if I disappointed you.”

Marco sighed.

“I’m not disappointed. I just want you to understand that I’m not that fragile thing you need to protect, I can stand up for myself.”

Jean nodded. He shivered when the cold clothe slid to his neck.

“I don’t think I could stand it if anything happened to you.”

Now Marco’s fingers where touching the skin of his neck and he couldn’t help his heart to beat faster. He looked at his friend whose face was so close to his that he could feel his breath on his nose. Why was he so close so suddenly? No it didn’t matter. Jean grabbed Marco’s free hand. He didn’t want him to go away. Not now. He intertwined their fingers.

“Marco, you … you’re the most important person to me in the world. I cannot lose you.”

A gentle push on his neck brought his face closer to Marco’s.

“You won’t.”

A breath. Their faces moved closer. Their lips found each other’s. They kissed. A first time, soft and quick. They kissed again, longer. Jean wrapped his arms around Marco’s body, bringing him closer to him. When they broke the kiss, their faces were still touching and Marco was smiling. He closed his eyes and let his head fall on Jean’s shoulder. Jean carefully stroked his hair, observing him attentively, as if it was the first time he ever saw him. He followed the shape of his face and ear with his fingers, brushed his freckles with his thumb. He kissed him on the forehead, shyly. Marco giggled and opened his eyes.

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited for that to happen.”

Jean started to pensively play with one of Marco’s strand of hair.

“I think I’ve been waiting for it too. I just didn’t know about it.”

Marco straightened up, blinking rapidly.

“I thought … I thought you had a crush on Mikasa.”

Jean rubbed his chin. He did feel something for Mikasa, a crush certainly but it had been no more than a fantasy. He had known from the first day that he had no chance with her. She loved Eren, clearly, and she would never love anyone else. Without him noticing, Marco had slowly taken her place in Jean’s thoughts and somehow the kiss they had just shared seemed more natural than any kiss he could have exchanged with Mikasa. She was a crush. Marco was something different, and if Jean did not know what yet, he had no doubt that he was far more important than any girl.

“Yes. I do. But that kiss was real and what I felt was also real and I do believe that there’re might be something more than friendship between us. I don’t know but I’m willing to try and see where this thing between us is going.”

Marco paused for a long time. His feelings for Jean had been more than friendly for a while and he couldn’t actually believe that this was happening. Even if it didn’t lead to anything serious, he had a chance.

“Marco?”

“Yes. Let’s see where it’s going.”

He picked up the cloth, observed Jean’s face and smirked.

“I think my job is done. You look as ugly as ever but there’s nothing I can do about that.”

“Oi! Have you seen yourself in a mirror recently?”

Marco rolled his eyes but smiled nonetheless.

“By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask. Why did those guys beat you up in the first place?”

Marco blushed and turned around. Jean jumped to his feet and grabbed him by the arm.

“Marco?”

“They were saying horrible things about you.” His voice was no more than a whisper.

“So you’re allowed to stand up for me but I’m not allowed to do it for you? That’s a bit unfair, don’t you think?”

Marco turned around to face him. 

“I guess we can agree to have each other’s back.”

Jean smiled softly. He raised his head to kiss him again.

“That would be acceptable.”

Marco leaned his forehead against his.

“Jean?”

“Mmh?”

“I want to take things slowly, between us. I know we might die tomorrow and all, but I don’t want to rush anything. I want you to have the time to fall for me, I want us to have the time to get to know each other as this kind of friends.”

“You have already fallen for me?”

“I fell for you the moment I sat with you at that table.”

Jean smiled fondly and brushed away his hair.

“I still don’t get what you see in me.”

Marco took a step backwards and took his hand.

“Come on, we should get some rest.”


	3. What Love Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Marco this chapter, sorry. It focuses mainly on Jean and his feelings (because I love him and I'll only be happy when I have dissected every bits of his persona).  
> Also, mentions of Reibert and BeruAni : I haven't planned to keep going with this plot in the next chapters, so they won't appear again but if you request it, I might add it. Just let me know.

It was a warm evening. The first one of the season, in fact, and the cadets of 104th were eager to mistake this April evening for summer. After a long and tough winter, no one was blaming them though, and that was the reason why, despite the late hour, everyone was still up, the curfew long forgotten at the back of their minds.

It was still quite bright outside, yet the blue sky and light breeze wasn’t enough to pacify Jean’s bad mood. He hated to admit it, even to himself, but he was jealous of Eren-Fucking-Jaeger and for this only reason, Jean could have just thrown his fist into a wall. He thought better of it, though. Harming himself would not bring Marco back to him nor would it soothe his bruised ego. Marco had made his choice and apparently spending this evening playing a fucking card game with Eren came before having quality time with his boyfriend. Well, fuck him.

It was a warm evening. Jean had thought about that moment all day, daydreaming about the perfect night he would spend kissing Marco, running his fingers through his amazing hair, and looking at him until he was intoxicated with the mere sight of his perfect face. He had devised various scenarii, even going as far as imagining a romantic setting. But in the end, what they would do didn’t matter, as long as they were together. Naturally, Jean would have never spoken out those thoughts, not even to Marco, but lately he had caught himself thinking more and more tenderly about his friend. That is, until the nerd had accepted to play that stupid card game with Eren, thus ruining the perfect evening Jean had imagined. He had tried to silently plead with Marco, but the boy hadn’t even looked at him, probably too excited by the game to even remember that he was supposed to have a boyfriend. Marco was like that sometimes. He could get really hyped about some things, silly things usually, but that was part of the reason why Jean loved him…

_What?_

Jean froze. Of course, he was very fond of Marco but to say that he _loved_ him? Nope. Jean Kirstein wasn’t in love. He _liked_ the boy, he liked him very much but…

“That’s her, right? It’s always her!”

Despite himself, Jean pricked up his ears : he wasn’t particularly curious by nature but the diversion was welcome. He recognized Reiner’s voice, coming from the corner of the barracks. He couldn’t see him and he probably wouldn’t have heard him either, if that sentence hadn’t been shouted. Jean was about to walk back, he had enough shit of his own to deal with without getting involved in someone else’s problems. However, Reiner, the most chilled guy he knew, had sounded rather upset and that was enough to pick his curiosity. Cursing himself, he moved closer while being careful to stay out of sight.

“I don’t understand.” Berthold’s voice came, calmer. “What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? I’ve seen how you look at her!”

A silence followed. Either Berthodlt didn’t reply or if he did, it was too low for Jean to hear.

“It used to be only the two of us, Bert. But you changed.”

“Of course I changed! After what happened… After …”

The rest was too low for Jean to hear and he wasn’t stupid enough to let his curiosity get the best of himself.

“You know how I feel about you, man.” It was Reiner again.

“Of course I do! You know that I feel the same. After all we’ve been through together…”

There was a silence again. Jean could hear unidentified sounds, definitely not speaking sounds, but he was unable to tell what the hell they were doing. He was about to walk back when Reiner spoke again.

“You don’t feel the same anymore.”

“Reiner…”

“Go. I just want to be alone right now.”

_Time to make myself scarce._

Jean didn’t want to wait and see if the drama continued or if Bertholdt was doing as he was told. As quietly as possible, he started to walk back in order to put as much distance between them as he could. He had become very aware of what they would do to him if they ever realized that he had been eavesdropping : Reiner and Bertholdt were not the kind of guys you could just mess with and even Jean kept his level of assholery to the lowest when he was dealing with them.

When he was far enough to feel out of danger, Jean considered the possibility of going back to the barracks, in case Marco had finished playing with Eren. It wasn’t _that_ late, maybe they could still salvage part of the evening. However, he dropped the idea. He was still mad at Marco, or at least he wanted his friend to think he was, and he didn’t want to risk having to assist to Eren monopolizing his boyfriend, in case their game was still going on. Besides, he could use some alone time to put his thoughts together.

_What’s the matter with Marco?_

He didn’t want to think about his feelings for the boy. What feelings anyway? He wasn’t ready to face the possibility that maybe he had fallen in love with him. Of course, he had always been aware that this might happened, after all that’s why he had decided to try this relationship in the first place : to see where it was going. So far, he’d been having fun with Marco, which didn’t mean he didn’t feel deep and strong affection for him, on the contrary. But affection was something different to love. _Right?_ He enjoyed spending time with him, he liked the clandestinity of their relationship : kissing and making out with the constant fear of getting caught was exciting. But Jean had come to the conclusion that his relationship with Marco, whatever it was, was more than fun. He was the first surprised but having someone to be close to, someone to rely on and confide in was nice. It was comfortable because for the first time in his life, he wasn’t annoyed by someone, he didn’t feel the urge to brush him off. He needed to have Marco close to him, he needed to feel his presence because when Marco was around, he didn’t feel so lost anymore.

_Is it love? This feeling I have in my stomach every time he looks at me and the sweat on my hands when we kiss, is it what it means to be in love? I can feel the change he’s already made in me, I’m not the same man I was months ago. It’s subtle, I’m not sure anyone noticed but I know._

He tried to imagine his life without Marco, if for some reason the boy had to leave training. His stomach knotted, in pain.

“I don’t want him to leave. That doesn’t mean I’m in love, right?”

Jean stopped walking, waiting for some kind of divine revelation that never came. He chuckled and started wandering again. No one could give him any answers, he would have to find them on his own.

Lost in his thoughts, Jean didn’t notice he had walked in circle. Before he even noticed it, he was back to the place he had left Reiner and Bertholdt. The former was alone, as he had required. Jean stopped a second to look at him, sitting his back against a wall, eyes closed and jaw clenched.

Reiner Braun. Among the cadets, the guy was already a legend. Some sort of brotherly figure everyone was looking up to, even Jean. Reiner was strong and powerful, he had what it took to be a great leader one day, but it wasn’t why he was respected by everyone else. It’s easy to be fierce and brave, every idiot can be strong, but it’s harder to be kind and patient and Reiner was all that. The guy could beat the living hell out of you but he could also reassure you and give you advice and for this reason, everyone liked Reiner Braun. Even in this moment of weakness, Jean couldn’t help but find him impressive : such pain on his face and yet, such dignity.

Jean bit his lip. He wanted to walk away as quickly as possible and yet, he couldn’t help but wonder what Marco would do in his place. Of course, he would help, hold out his damn hand and ask if there was anything he could do to help. Marco was good like that. He, too, would be a decent leader, in a very different way. He was good with people, very perceptive and able to see everyone’s strong and weak points.

Jean sighed. He wasn’t Marco. He wasn’t nice and he didn’t care if Reiner was in pain. It just wasn’t his damn business. He started to walk away.

“Jean?”

_Crap._

He briefly closed his eyes before turning around to face Reiner. The guy was still sitting but his eyes were opened now and he was looking at Jean with surprise.

“I was just having a stroll, didn’t want to bother you, big guy.”

He was about to walk away again but Reiner’s laugh hold him back as strongly as his grip would have.

“You’re not bothering me. Actually I could do with some company at the moment. If you don’t mind.”

Jean stared back disbelievingly. Even if he wanted to, saying no to someone like Reiner was not something he was able to do. He couldn’t help but feel slightly intimidated by the man and would have loved to slap himself out of this state. Instead, he shrugged in a way he hoped to be nonchalant and sat next to him. A long uncomfortable silence followed and Jean started to wonder why Reiner had insisted that he stayed with him. He was trying to come up with something to break the ice when he noticed the nervous twitch on Reiner’s mouth. Forgetting any social etiquette (not like he had much to begin with), he stared at the man. Reiner’s fists were clenched, his whole body was tensed like a fricking bow as if he was about to implode or something. Jean had never noticed this kind of behaviour in him before. He didn’t know much about Reiner but he had always seemed to be a cool guy. Somehow, Jean doubted that what had happened with Bert earlier was the only reason for his breakdown. There was something else, something in Reiner’s eyes that seemed to scream for help, something fragile and broken, something terrible.

Jean lowered his eyes. Awkwardly, he put his hand on Reiner’s forearm hoping that physical contact would break his current state of lethargy. It did work. Reiner looked at him, apparently back to his old self. Whatever Jean had perceived was gone and he started to even doubt that it had been there in the first place.

“So… Uh… What’s up?”

Reiner smiled faintly and gave him a _you-know-same-shit-different-day_ kind of look.

“Yeah. Same.” Jean answered. He didn’t like how he sounded. He couldn’t remember having ever been alone with Reiner and was starting to never want it to ever happen again.

“Why aren’t you inside with the others?” Reiner asked, eying the barracks.

Jean followed his gaze. They could hear voices coming from there. The spirit seemed to be quite high and light, and Jean couldn’t help but think that if he were to step inside, the atmosphere would certainly tense up drastically. His heart hurt a bit at the thought.

“And have to listen to Saint Jaeger all evening? Thanks but no thanks.” He made a really poor job at hiding the bitterness in his words but Reiner didn’t seem to notice.“What about you? You’re the social kind of guy usually.”

Reiner forced a smile.

“And have to see Bert eye Annie like she’s fucking piece of meat? Thanks but no thanks.”

“Oh…”

_Is it what it is? Some kind of love triangle shit?_

Somehow, Jean was a tad disappointed. He’d expected something else from Reiner.

“So, you and Annie …”

“Me and Annie what?”

Reiner looked fucking pissed and Jean swallowed slowly. He didn’t want to say what he was about to say next but he also knew that remaining silent would probably make things worse for him.

“You fancy her?”

Reiner frowned.

“No. Bert fancies her.”

“But…”

The penny dropped. Jean opened his mouth and closed it without having said anything. He should have guessed and couldn’t understand why the revelation was taking him by surprise. Reiner and Bertholdt were always together, they came from the same village, it wasn’t that surprising that they were a bit more than just childhood friends.

“What we have, Bert and me, it’s stronger than what he could get with any girl.” Reiner said as if he had followed his train of thoughts. “We’ve been through hell together, we’ve done some serious shit together and what we feel for each other cannot just disappear like that. But Bert is confused at the moment. I can’t blame him really but it’s still not very nice to see all the same.”

Jean bit his lip and looked away, pensive. Reiner obviously felt strongly about Bert; was it what it was to be in love? And more importantly, did he feel as strongly about Marco? He stared at his hands, lost in his thoughts. If Reiner was everyone’s big brother, maybe he could ask him… No. He couldn’t just ask him for advice on love like a fucking teenage girl.

A blow on his shoulder brought him back to the present.

“And what about you and Mikasa? Still desperately in love with her?” Reiner smirked.

Jean shook his head slowly.

“You know, I think you still have your chance. She’s bound to notice sooner or later that Eren doesn’t really see her in that way.”

He didn’t reply. Reiner misunderstood his silence and patted him on the shoulder.

“It would also help if you didn’t act like a jerk all the time.”

“Reiner?” Jean interrupted him.

Somehow, him thinking that he was still into Mikasa when he was struggling with his feelings for Marco didn’t seem right. He didn’t care about sounding like a moron anymore, he just wanted to know, once and for all where he stood.

“You love Bert, right? You have romantic feelings for him?”

“Yeah.”

Jean took a deep breath. He couldn’t help but fidget with his fingers, in a feeble and useless attempt to hide his nervousness.

“How does it feel?”

Reiner raised an eyebrow and observed him. Jean feared he was about to laugh at him but he just sighed.

“Why do you want to know? Are you in love with someone?”

Jean nodded.

“Is it Mikasa?”

“No, it’s not. But it doesn’t matter who it is, ok? I just want to know what it’s like.”

Reiner raised his hands, surrender-like.

“Ok, no need to get angry. I guess it’s different for everyone but I think I knew I loved Bert the moment I realised that he was not only in my present, but he was also my past and my future.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

Reiner hit him on the shoulder.

“Shut up and listen. I knew I loved him when the boy I used to be before I met him ceased to exist and when I couldn’t envision my future without him in it. When you love someone the way Bert and I love each other, it changes you. Bert’s presence in my life has had an impact on the person I’m now, you see? Can you say the same for the person you think you love?”

Jean closed his eyes. Inside his head, a flow of emotion was devastating his last thread of sanity. It was brief but it left him shaking with terror, his heart ready to explode.

 _I love Marco_.

Reiner’s words had been perfect, they had found their way into his mind with the effect of a tsunami.

_I love Marco._

What was he supposed to do with this information? Someone else would have run towards the barracks, embraced Marco and kissed him before making the grand declaration. Everyone would clap and they would live happily ever after. But Jean was paralysed with fear. He loved Marco and that changed everything. He had been very happy caring only for himself until now, worrying about his sole future. But what if Marco didn’t feel the same about him? What if Marco had to go? What if Marco left him? What if Marco died?

“Jean? Are you ok man? You look like you’re freaking out.”

Jean blinked slowly. He first moved his fingers, happy to see that they were still responding to his brain and then turned his head.

“Yeah. I’m good.”

 _I love Marco_.

The statement didn’t sound so scary now. Maybe it wasn’t that bad after all. He was feeling better than he ever had in his life, that had to be positive, right? He closed his eyes briefly.

 _I love Marco_.

It didn’t matter that he didn’t know what to do with this information just yet, he still had time to figure it out. He glanced at Reiner as he was getting to his feet.

“Come on.” He said and stretch his arm to help him up. “You need to remind Bertholdt how you feel about him.”

Reiner grimaced but followed him nonetheless.

“Why are you doing that? Helping someone out doesn’t sound like you. No offence.”

Jean sighed.

_I don’t know. Maybe because I’ve just found out that I am able to love after all. Or maybe because it’s such a beautiful night._

He remained silent. It didn’t take them long to join the others inside. Reiner patted Jean on the shoulder and joined Bertholdt who was sitting alone. Jean observed them and smiled faintly. He didn’t know if he had done anything good with those two or if they would work out their problems, but he felt good about himself and that was a nice feeling for a change.

Marco was still playing with Eren. When he noticed Jean, he looked up from his cards and offered his friend a bright smile that melted Jean’s jealousy. Jean crossed his arms and answered to his smile with a wink.

It was a warm evening and for the first time in ages, Jean felt at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've added chapters names because why not. I've also added two chapters to the eight that I originally wrote : this one and an epilogue. I also plan to write another one, so this fic should have 11 chapters in the end.  
> I've decided to post a new chapter every Tuesdays and every Fridays, so chapter 4 (The Sasha Incident) should be updated on Tuesday.


	4. The Sacha Incident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly fluff in this chapter. I had fun writing it, I love Sacha.   
> Enjoy!

Months passed, shared between intense training and stolen moments. Jean tried to be more open, only for Marco’s sake, without much success though. If Marco was a more sociable being than he was, Jean had never really had friends before and couldn’t help his nature to get the best of him, leading him to eventually get nasty with the others, especially Eren.

The others seemed to have accepted their unnatural friendship but Marco had noticed that they were looking at them in a more and more curious way. The two boys had not said anything to anyone about the progress of their relationship but their behaviour with each other had deeply changed : it now involved more touching and longing stares when the other one was not looking. The cadets were not stupid and pretty much everyone was aware that something was going on between those too. Connie had wanted to joke about it once, a simple look from Mikasa had convinced him otherwise. Everyone knew. But they were all pretending that they did not. Until what would later be referred to as the “Sacha incident.”

 

Living in a training camp with dozens of other soldiers was not the best place to get intimacy. Marco and Jean had learnt to take advantage of every second they had with each other and to spot the places that would be empty long enough for them to snuggle. One evening, Jean dragged Marco after him in the empty kitchen. The place was clean and likely to be empty until the next morning. They started to make out but before it got too hot, Marco took a step backward and sat on a sink. Jean came closer, took place between his legs and put his head on his friend’s chest. He remained in his position for several minutes, listening to Marco’s heart as his hair was being stroked.

“You’re alive.” Jean whispered his eyes half closed.

“Yes. So are you.”

Jean looked up and cupped his boyfriend’s face.

“Marco.”

“Jean.”

“You remember when you said you wanted to wait for me to fall for you before going any further?”

Marco nodded. They looked into each other’s eyes and the same smile appeared on their faces.

“Marco, I …” Jean started. But no matter how much he wanted to continue, nothing else came out.

He lowered his head, his jaw clenched. Why was it so difficult? Marco took his hand and made him look up again.

“Me too.” He whispered and Jean’s heart exploded.

Marco slid down in front of him and they embraced each other, trying to put in their gesture what words had failed to express. They kissed and hands started to wander under their clothes. Jean began to feel his desire rise up as he removed Marco’s shirt. Marco’s lips abandoned his mouth to bit his neck. Jean’s head fell backwards. He was closer to Marco than he had ever been. They had never been so far, not like that, not with so much lust and envy. Not that Jean would complain, he had been waiting for that for a while now and could not wait to discover each centimetre of Marco’s body. He pushed him against the sink as Marco was unbuttoning his shirt. Jean kissed his bare chest, taking his time to discover every new freckle.

None of them heard the door open. But they did hear the cry of surprise that came from behind them. Marco slowly opened his eyes and Jean turned around to face the one that had surprised them. Sacha. The three of them stared at each other for five long seconds, the two half-naked boys still holding each other and the girl with her mouth wide open. Finally, Sacha started to giggle with embarrassment.

“Oooops! Sorry! Don’t mind me, I just came to get some bread. Please … carry on.”

She snorted with laughter and ran away, not without having grabbed a piece of bread before. When the door slammed behind her, the two boys remained in the same position. In the end, Jean leaned forwards towards Marco. He would worry about Sacha later, he was too busy at the moment.

“Where were we?”

He moved to kiss Marco again but the other boy extricated himself from his embrace.

“Sorry, Jean. Not like this.”

Jean groaned in frustration but took a step back nonetheless. He couldn’t believe it. He’d been waiting for this moment for so long and when he was about to get it, Marco was just pushing him away.

_Did I do something wrong?_

He lowered his head. He obviously had but couldn’t put his finger on what it might have been. Had he been too quick? Too passionate? Maybe Marco had changed his mind and didn’t want him anymore. No. Marco loved him. Or had he misunderstood his declaration before?

Marco had started to get dressed again and Jean did the same. The excitement he had been experiencing only moments before had vanished replaced by biting anxiety. As Jean was about to walk away, Marco took his hand.

“I do want to do it. But not here and not like that.”

“Why?”

“Our relationship is special, Jean. And I want our first time to be special too.”

His anxiety disappeared as quickly as it had come. Marco had not refused him, he was just a helpless romantic.

“I get it. I’ll wait as long as you want, Baby.”

Marco grinned.

“Don’t call me that.”

Jean smirked and led him towards the door. Before he opened it, he stopped to look at his boyfriend.

“Do you think Sacha will have told everybody?”

Marco shook his head and they both went out. Sacha was nowhere to be seen, and far from reassuring them, her absence distilled a trail of anxiety in their minds. In an ominous silence, they reached their dormitory. The talks and laughter they heard from the outside stopped when the two boys stepped in. All the others turned in their direction, dead silent as they both stop at the door. Jean looked at them, noticed that the faces of several of them had nervous twitches, as if they were struggling very hard not to laugh. They knew. He was about to grab Marco and make a run for it when he spotted Sacha.

“You little bitch!” He took a step towards her. Sacha had the decency to look scared and tried to hide behind Reiner. “Couldn’t you keep your mouth shut?”

Marco held Jean by the arm.

“Relax, it wasn’t her fault. We should have been more careful.”

“Besides, it’s not like we didn’t know already.” Hannah added. “Congrats guys.”

Jean blinked slowly. He stared at the others who were looking at the two of them either with smiles or blank expressions. How was it possible? They had been careful, _he_ had been careful not to give any of them any reason to mock him. He felt Marco’s hand capture his and relaxed a little. It didn’t matter, really. They could all make fun of him as much as they wanted, he had Marco and they would never be able to take him away from him. He clenched his thumbs inside his fists.

“Alright, now that everything is out in the open, I warn you. No smartass comments.”

“Only if you don’t do dirty things in bed at night.” Eren intervened.

Marco thumbed up. Everyone nodded and they all went back to their beds. Jean was about to climb into his when Marco held him back. He dragged him towards his own bed and lied next to him.

“What are you doing?” he whispered. He could feel their friends’ eyes on them and it was making him uncomfortable.

“For the first time we can sleep together. I’m not going to waste another night.”

Jean smiled and brushed his friend’s cheek with his fingers. It didn’t matter that they all knew or that they were all looking at them in this moment. Only Marco and his smile, and his eyes, and his damn freckles, mattered.

“You were right.”

“About what?”

“When you said that deep down, I’m just so scared. You were damn right. I’m terrified but not for myself anymore. I’m terrified of losing you. You brought the best out of me, Marco, and you’d better not let me down because if you do, it’ll hurt like hell and it’ll be all your damn fault.”

Marco kissed him softly on the lips.

“I’ll stay with you forever. Even when we’ll be long dead, I’ll stay with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter on Friday will be The Life and Death of Jean Kirstein


	5. The Life and Death of Jean Kirstein

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter focused mainly on Jean's childhood (I rewatched A Sudden Visitor recently and it inspired me. A lot.) but there is also Marco and a bit of hurt/comfort I guess. I also mention bullying. 
> 
> By the way, I suppose you noticed from my writing, but English isn't my mother tongue, so if you spot any grammar/spelling/vocab mistakes, please feel free to let me know. I really want to improve my writing skills. Thanks guys, and enjoy!

He was running. Not fast enough though : soon his pursuers would catch up with him. And even if they didn’t, he was very conscious that he would have to stop soon. He wasn’t used to do so much exercise : his legs were about to give up but the pain in his muscles was nothing compared to his lungs begging for mercy through his whistling breaths.

“Look at the way he runs!” One of the boys shouted behind him. Too close. “He looks like a pig.”

Snorts of laughter echoed behind him in the empty street. He felt his teeth gnash but was too scared to face them and fight. The boys were four, two years older than him, taller and in better shape. He was clever enough to know that he didn’t stand a chance.

“Hey Piggy! Don’t go so fast.”

They finally caught up with him. He felt one of the boys grab his shirt and pull him back with so much strength that he fell on his back, unable to breathe. His eyes watered, impairing his vision. He knew the cause was mainly shock but he was aware that fear was also involved in the matter. He started to cough painfully. It wasn’t the first time that Louis Stamps and his clique cornered him and the memory of their previous encounters was still too scary and humiliating for his eight-year-old self to give a damn about crying in front of them. He knew it wouldn’t have any effect though, except amuse them greatly.

“Hey Louis!” one of the other boys shouted. “You know my uncle, the one who’s in the Scouts, he always tells me that the titans always go first for the fat little pigs like this one. So if titans do break in, Piggy will be the first one to die.”

He began to shake and tried to crawl back but his hopes of escape were smashed to smithereens when a foot crushed his left hand.

“Not so fast.” Louis said. “We aren’t finished with you yet.”

“Please…”

They barked with laughter. The first blow caught him in the rib cage. He screamed in pain and curled up on himself, more tears running on his cheeks with each kick.

_Why me?_

He thought about the first time Louis and his gang had picked on him. It’d been a year before, maybe slightly more. It was after school, he was minding his own business, eating a cheese sandwich his mother had prepared for him.

“You don’t need to eat that.” Louis had said. “You’re fat enough already.”

The older boy had slapped him on the cheek and stolen the sandwich. From that moment on, they had never left him in peace, the violence of their attacks growing in intensity each time. He clenched his fists and looked up. He could feel something new being born in his guts, something he had never experienced before, not to this rate anyway. He wanted to scream, he wanted to jump on them and squeeze their throats between his hands to hurt them as much as they hurt him.

“If you don’t stop, I’ll…” He paused. He’d do what?

It wasn’t what he had expected, his voice was too weak and there wasn’t enough venom in his words. But it gave him a break. They stopped hitting him, too busy laughing. He took his chance and stood up. He couldn’t feel any pain anymore as adrenaline was rushing through his body. He went for Louis and putting all his resentment and anger in his movement, kicked him in the knee. Louis stopped giggling at once, an expression of complete shock on his face.

“What now? You’ll try and make a run for it and go and fetch your mummy? Only pussies need women to protect them. Are you a pussy, Piggy?”

Louis stared at him, dead serious, waiting for an answer. When it didn’t come, he shared a smirk with his friends and pushed his victim back on the ground before kicking him under the chin. The boy felt his jaw crack as pain was piercing through the lower part of his face. The four bullies cackled and even in this moment, he couldn’t help but find that they sounded like a group of geese. After one more blow in his stomach, they left.

He waited several minutes, to make sure they wouldn’t come back and sat up with a grimace. His whole body felt like a big ball of pain. How would he explain that to his mother? She had believed him the first couple of times, when he had pretended he had fallen down the stairs but she wasn’t stupid. She would ask him more questions, get suspicious and that would only mean more trouble for him. He got up to his feet as tears were rolling down his cheeks. Shame. Anger. Fear. Pain. He would only get a couple of bad bruises on his legs, arms and ribs, nothing he couldn’t handle, but he was pretty sure his jaw was broken. He began to walk away clumsily. He would get revenge. He would become faster, he would learn to fight back and, more importantly, he would get out of this wretched place, as far away as possible from bullies and titans.

 

 

A blow to his nose woke Marco up. His heart pounding in his chest, _(Am I under attack?)_ he opened his eyes, dreading to see the face of a titan, ready to devour him. But it was no monster. It was only Jean, moving frantically in his sleep. Marco sighed with relief and grabbed Jean’s hand. The boy stopped moving but didn’t wake up.

 

 

He looked at himself in the mirror. His body had changed so much in the last few years that, sometimes, he barely recognised himself. He wasn’t that chubby little boy anymore, he had grown up a lot in the span of a few months. He had lost weight, or rather he hadn’t gained much as his body was growing. Yet, when his appearance had changed, the others’ behaviour had not and he had had to learn to run faster and fight back. He couldn’t understand why all the other boys his age seemed to hate him and was still being beaten up quite often. But he was now able to give back some of the blows and if it wasn’t much to go on - he would have preferred to avoid all the fighting all together - it was satisfying anyway.

When Louis had moved away two years before, he had thought that his nightmare was finally over. But he’d been fooling himself. When one bully goes away, another one always takes his place. It had to be some kind of universal law. He was used to live in fear, though, and he could console himself that he would just have to wait another couple of years before the fear disappeared completely. He’d made a decision. When he would be of age, he would enlist and work his ass off to join the Military Police. Only there would he be safe and free of fear from bullies and titans alike. In the meantime, all he had to do was suffer in silence and wait for better days.

His mother had tried to help. It had only made things worse. She had talked with the teachers at school and when it hadn’t given any results, she had come to all the boys in his class to ask them to be his friends. It had had quite the opposite effect, really, and he had become the target of those pre-teen boys’ mockery. The fighting had increased after that and she had started to call him a “problem child” without realising that she was the problem.

He bit his lips in shame. It wasn’t his mother’s fault, it wasn’t his fault either, but sometimes he tended to forget that because it was easier to take it on her than on the actual bullies.

He passed his fingers through his hair, washed his hands and joined the two boys he had invited, in his room. They were both losers, who had gotten beaten up almost as much as he had. He didn’t really like them, they were weird, but they were the only boys he knew that had never mocked him and who had never punched him. He closed the door behind him. They were looking at some papers on his desk and as he got closer, he realised with dread that they were some of his drawings. He felt his hands get moist with sweat and was about to get mad at them for looking into his stuff but when they turned towards him, they had a look of admiration on their faces that was too unfamiliar for him to know how to react.

“Did you draw this?”

He nodded. The perks of having no friends growing up was that he had had a lot of time to practice drawing. He’d tried to write too, but he wasn’t very good with words. He’d thought it would help him ease his anger – it was getting worse and worse with the years and he couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t felt mad at the whole world.

“They’re quite good! Are these people of your family?”

“No. Just random people I saw on the streets.”

He didn’t add that he had drawn most of his bullies with amazing details no less, just to stab their image countless times.

“Do you have more?”

He assented with a smile. Those guys weren’t that weird after all. He grabbed a big wooden box from under his bed. It was filled with papers blackened with his drawings. To his greatest pleasure, the three of them spend hours going through all his drawings, his two guests forthcoming with praise. They were laughing at one of his funniest drawings when the door opened and his mother came in, unannounced. Before he had the time to say anything, she tousled his hair with no regards for his protests.

“I heard you boys laughing. It’s so good to see my Jean-bo socialising a bit, he’s such a sweet boy. Thank you for being his friend!”

She left her son to put two wet and noisy kisses on the other boys’ cheeks. He paused with dread, crimson with embarrassment. They didn’t make any comments that day and he hoped that they would soon forget the encounter with his mother and keep it to themselves.

Wishful thinking. The next day, he found a large group of boys gathered around his two new friends when he arrived at school. When he got closer to see what it was all about, he had the displeasure to see some of his drawings on display as the two boys were mimicking the way his mother had kissed them. He paused, he limbs shaking with anger. When had those two sons of bitches stolen his drawings? He decided that it didn’t matter. Without a thought, he threw himself in the crowd and started to punch around.

 

 

“Please stop laughing.”

Marco, who was about to fall asleep again, opened his eyes. Jean was not moving in his bed anymore but in the moonlight, he could see his face twisted with rage.

“Stop laughing!”

He heard some people groan in the dormitory. If Jean didn’t stop, he would wake everyone up.

“Jean.” He whispered. “Wake up.”

 

 

Their laughter was stabbing his ears. He was at the centre of a circle where he recognised Louis Stamps and his friends, other boys from school, fellow cadets, their instructors and other people he didn’t even know. He wanted to shout at them to stop but no sound came out of his throat and all he could do was open and close his mouth like a damn fish out of the water.

“You’ll go and fetch your mummy?” Someone shouted in the crowd. “ Only pussies need women to protect them. Are you a pussy, Piggy?”

_Don’t call me that_ , he wanted to say. He fell to his knees, fists clenched.

“Please, will you be friend with my Jean-bo?”

_Shut up. I don’t need anyone._

He lied down on the floor, curled up on himself. He wanted all of them to stop, to go away, to leave him alone, but no matter how much he wished it, they kept laughing almost hysterically, closing on him.

“Can I sit there?”

“You can sit where the fuck you want.”

Marco. The laughter stopped, the crowd disappeared. It was just him and his friend, now. The lack of noise made his ears hurt but it was good pain. It meant he was alive, he’d made it. He cried with relief and stood up. Marco smiled and took his hand.

“I’ll stay with you forever. Even when we’ll be long dead, I’ll stay with you.”

He clung to his hand like a shipwrecked sailor would cling to a bloody life belt.

“I’ll stay with you forever.”

_Then why are you fading?_

He tried to hold on to the hand even tighter but it just vanished between his fingers like sand.

Darkness.

His first instinct was to open his eyes but it wasn’t long before he realised they were already open. He just couldn’t see. As a matter of fact, he couldn’t hear anything either. He was alone in the dark and he almost came to miss the laughter. At least, it would have meant that there was something around him. Anything.

He couldn’t see Marco. But he could smell him. His perfume was all around him, comforting. Jean smiled. There was something in his mouth, not anything concrete, more like a memory. Omelette. It was like being home again, one winter evening, when all that mattered was his mother cooking dinner. Blood. He recognised the taste. It spoiled the food. Why did good memories always get spoiled by bad ones?

The darkness around him lightened. He blinked. He was lying down on his back and the sun was shining bright above him. He tried to move but realised he couldn’t feel his body anymore. He started to panic when he heard voices nearby.

“Isn’t there anything we can do?”

He recognised the feminine voice but somehow he was unable to remember the name of the person it belonged to.

“No. His injuries are too severe. He would need a doctor and drugs. We can’t do anything here.”

This one he didn’t know.

“But … You don’t mean he’ll die, right?”

A third voice, male this time, familiar too. He wondered if they were talking about him.

“I’m sorry. It won’t be long now.”

Sacha and Connie’s faces appeared in his visual field. Damnit, why them? He wanted to talk, ask them what the hell they were talking about but he couldn’t open his mouth. He felt like his body had stopped functioning and realised with horror that they were indeed talking about him. He was dying.

“What about the titan?” Connie asked.

“He will probably go berserk and try and kill us. You’ll have to be prepared to put him down.”

“No.” Sacha said. “I think he’ll die too when Jean …” she put her hand in front of her mouth and he wanted to shout at her that there was a mistake. He wasn’t dying. He couldn’t be, could he?

They remained silent. Sacha was stroking his hair. Jean wanted to tell them to keep speaking because the silence was freaking him out. Despite him already lying down, he felt himself fall backwards. He tried to hold onto anything but Sacha and Connie and whoever had disappeared. He was in the darkness again but it wasn’t as opaque as before and he could clearly distinguish a shape with him. A giant shape.

“No.”

He tried to run but somehow, he only managed to get closer to the titan. He started to cry again when it picked him up, he began to plead for his life when the monster brought him close to his face. He wanted to close his eyes but what he saw broke his heart. The titan was a good 15 metres tall, his body thin and muscular. The right half of its face lacked skin and was just red flesh, its right eye was missing as were the right side of its nose and mouth. Dirty black hair hanged on the top of its head and its left cheek, the one that still had skin, was covered with freckles.

It opened its mouth…

 

 

“No!” Jean woke up, screaming. He struggled a moment with his blanket and with Marco who was trying to restrain him and eventually fell from the bed, on the floor. He landed on his back and sat up to the sound of annoyed whispers.

“What the hell, Jean?!”

“Shut up, Jaeger!” At this point, the answer was more of an automatism than real anger. He jumped to his feet and left the dorm, tears running on his cheeks.

He didn’t know where to go from there. All he wanted was to crawl back in bed with Marco but what would he look like if he came back only two seconds after storming out. And why did he have to leave in the first place? He could have just gone back to bed, after all it was only a nightmare, but no, he had to go all dramatic. He sighed and entered the bathroom. After having put some fresh water on his red face, he looked at himself. His eyes were swollen, his tears had left white traces on his cheeks, his hair was all dishevelled. He looked pathetic.

He had changed. He wasn’t a chubby little boy anymore, he was almost a grown man now. He was skilled : he was the best when it came to the 3D manoeuvre gear and he would do it to the Military Police, just like he had promised himself. He would make his dream come true. But something else had changed : he wasn’t alone anymore.

He laughed dryly. He had never realised it before but the reason why he didn’t have many friends among the cadets, was because he was a huge asshole. And the reason why he was such a huge asshole was because he had never had any friends until Marco. Fucking vicious circle.

Jean grimaced at his reflexion and left the bathroom. He didn’t feel like sleeping anymore. The memory of his nightmare was still too present in his mind, too scary, to allow him to sleep properly. Instead, he went for the barrack where they were having all their meals. He didn’t care if an instructor found him there : he wasn’t doing anything wrong anyway. He sat on a bench and took his head in his hands.

He was aware that most of the cadets had lost loved ones to the titans : Eren and Mikasa, Armin, Reiner and Bertholdt, even if those two remained quite discreet about their childhood. Jean hadn’t lost anyone. So, according to some, Jean had been lucky. Damn, not having your mum being devoured by a fucking monster right in front of your eyes, is a blessing but he wouldn’t have gone as far as saying that he’d been lucky in life. Sure, he’d had a roof over his head, food on his table and a devoted mother. Sure he’d never seen a frigging titan before but it didn’t mean that his life wasn’t all messed up in a completely different way.

“There you are.”

Jean almost jumped and turned to see Marco who was almost running to join him.

“I was worried.”

“Sorry.”

Marco put a kiss on his forehead before sitting next to him.

“What happened?”

“I had a nightmare.”

“Yeah I got that.”

Jean lowered his head and stayed silent. If he focused enough, he could still hear the laughter and taste the blood in his mouth. And that titan… Jean hadn’t been afraid of the monsters in the dark for years, but this image had brought back his most primal fear.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Marco brought his boyfriend close to him in a loving embrace. Jean wasn’t very keen on reliving the dream but somehow, his friend’s presence soothed him and he nodded.

“I dreamt that I died, Marco.”

The pressure of Marco’s arms on his shoulders tightened, making him feel like he was at the centre of a human ball of love. It was pleasant and reassuring.

“It’s ok. You’re safe, now.”

“I died. And then I was being eaten by a titan.”

“We’ve all made this dream. It’s normal, there’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Marco kissed him on the ear. Jean tensed up and freed himself. That face kept coming back to his mind. How horrible it had looked and yet, how familiar. He wanted with all his being to pretend that he didn’t know who it was but it was too striking to allow him to fool himself.

“It was you. That titan was you.”

Jean had closed his eyes, he didn’t want to see the expression on his boyfriend’s face, whatever it was. Marco blinked, taken aback. That, he hadn’t expected. What did it mean? There must have been some kind of twisted symbolism behind that nightmare. He reprimanded himself. It was just a dream. There was nothing to worry about. Besides Jean looked rather upset and it was his role, as a boyfriend, to comfort him.

“It was a nightmare. Don’t worry about it.”

Jean opened his eyes and let himself be kissed on the head.

“I also dreamt about my childhood. I can’t stand them laughing at me anymore, Marco. It’s like I can always hear them.”

Marco stroked his hair. He knew all about Jean’s childhood, they had spent hours talking about it. At first, Jean had been rather shy on the subject and had remained evasive. But as the weeks had passed and his trust had grown, he’d opened up more and more, telling him all about Louis Stamps and the ones that had followed. He had mentioned his anger often getting the best of him and how he’d started fighting it, how it was still overpowering him sometimes. Too often.

“No one is laughing at you anymore. And if they do, they’ll have to deal with me.”

Under normal circumstances, this would have made Jean laugh but he just moaned tiredly.

“I dreamt about those two guys.” He couldn’t recall their names. It didn’t matter anyway. “The ones I thought could be my friends. I think I’ve hated them the most because they were like me, they knew what it was to be laughed at and humiliated. But they did it anyway and that wasn’t even the worst. They stole from me and I think that’s what made me lose it completely that day.”

Marco wasn’t sure to remember who Jean was referring to. It wasn’t exactly fresh in his mind but he decided not to ask.

“What did they steal?”

“My drawings. They used my only outlet to humiliate me even more.”

“Your drawings? I never knew you could draw.”

Jean looked up and frowned. He was quite sure to have mentioned it before. Or hadn’t he? He trusted Marco enough to know that he wouldn’t forget something like that.

“Yeah… I used to do it a lot. I could draw people and pretend they were my friends.” He laughed but it sounded more like a cry to Marco’s ears. “How pathetic is that?”

Marco grabbed his chin and forced him to look into his eyes.

“It’s not. It just shows that you have a very fertile imagination. That’s something I didn’t know about you.”

He could almost see Jean’s smirk as he would have replied : _There are many things you don’t know about me, Marco Bodt._ He knew him so well. But Jean remained silent. The smirk, on the other hand, was there and Marco smiled.

“Do you want to know more?”

Marco nodded and sat back in a more comfortable position, allowing Jean to look at him properly.

“I started to draw when I was a kid, I don’t know maybe 6. It was just a way to pass the time because I didn’t have anyone to play with. I got better with the years, I guess, not that I was an artist or something.”

“Do you still do it?”

Jean shook his head.

“Here? You kidding? I don’t have that much free time now, especially with you. Besides, it’s not something I’m really proud of. You know, it’s not really a useful skill, it’s not like it’s going to help me get into the military police.”

“It may not be useful but I find it awesome.”

Jean scratched his head sceptically but smiled anyway. He was feeling better. His nightmare was starting to fade and the memories were going back to where they belonged : in the darkest corner of his mind.

“Can you draw something for me?” Marco asked with puppy eyes.

Jean rubbed his eyes and hid a yawn behind his hand. As his body was relaxing, his mind was also getting more peaceful and he could feel the need to sleep catch up with him.

“What? Now?”

He really wasn’t in the mood, but if his friend insisted, he was willing to sketch him something quick before going back to bed. It wouldn’t be art, he was a bit out of practice, but he would do anything for Marco.

Marco frowned, pensive. As he was thinking, he was tapping his nose with his index, an attitude that brought a predatory smile on Jean’s face. He leaned forwards toward his friend who seemed too engrossed in his thought to even notice him and observed his face very closely. He looked at his serious brow, his long eyelashes, his cute freckles, his full lips… Deciding that the observation time was over, Jean kissed him suddenly, causing Marco to gasp in surprise. Jean trapped him in his embrace and they remained in this position for a moment, tasting each other. Finally, Marco came back to his senses and pushed him back gently.

“No. Not now.”

Jean huh-huhed and tried to kiss him again. Marco pushed him back again.

“I want you to surprise me.”

Jean went for his neck next, biting it gently. Marco moaned but managed to extricate himself and judged safer to keep his boyfriend at bay by getting up.

“Aren’t I surprising enough just now?”

“Neither of us is really in the mood. Besides, I want my drawing first.”

With a smirk, he started to walk away. His sentence had the effect he had counted on : Jean caught up with him quickly, looking truly shocked.

“Wait… Are you blackmailing me? No drawing, no sex?”

Marco looked at him, an angelic expression on his face.

“I’m too pure to know the meaning of this word.”

Jean couldn’t help a snort. He embraced his boyfriend from behind as they were still walking and kissed him on the neck.

“But, for the sake of argument, let’s agree that I am indeed blackmailing you.” Marco continued. “It doesn’t _just_ involve sex. Making out sessions, encounters in the showers and other cuddle opportunities are also suspended.”

Jean opened his eyes wide. He didn’t like at all where this conversation was going.

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Maybe not. But I do want my drawing.”

Jean sighed but couldn’t help a smile at the same time. They had reached the dormitory door and before they went in, he kissed his friend on the lips.

“Even if I find your methods of persuasion less than honourable, to say the least, you’ll get it. Just to show you how grateful I am to you for putting up with all my drama.”

Marco wrinkled his nose and dragged him inside the dorm, back to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, next Tuesday : Thieves in the Night (it'll be more fun, I promise)


	6. Thieves in the Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I wrote this chapter ages ago but it took me a long time to edit it and I'm still not completely happy with it.
> 
> Enjoy!

Jean bit his lips, too focused on his task to mind the pain. He brushed a line, tilted his head to have a better look at the whole paper and frown. It didn’t look quite right but he was unable to figure out what was wrong. He played distractedly with his pencil, too focused on his task to hear the sound of conversations growing louder in the corridor. When the door of the dorm opened, he almost fell off his bed. He regained his balance at the last moment and, before anyone had the chance to take a look at him, he hid his pencils and paper under his pillow. When he looked up to see the group of people come in, he realised he shouldn’t have gone through all this pain : no one was paying attention to him, not even Marco - they were all too focused on their conversation.

“It’ll be child-play!” Connie was saying.

“He’s right.” Reiner sounded quite hyped and Jean looked down at them from his bunk, his interest picked. “Nothing harder than what we’ve been doing in training so far. Eren, what do you say?”

“I’m in.”

“Guys, I don’t think that it’s such a good idea.” Armin warned.

Jean jumped down and joined Marco who was nodding approvingly.

“What’s going on?”

“Armin spotted a bottle of ale when he was in the instructors’ office this afternoon. Those guys want to go and steal it.”

Jean raised an eyebrow. Not only was this idea stupid but it was also damn risky. If anyone got caught, they could say goodbye to joining the Military Police. He crossed his arms, giving Connie, Reiner and Eren a smug look.

“I didn’t know you guys were so dumb.”

The three of them turned to look at him and before Reiner and Connie had the time to say anything, Eren had stepped forward to face Jean.

“I never thought you were such an uptight kind of guy, Jean. We’re just having fun, here.”

Jean clenched his fist but managed to keep a straight face. He was dying to punch the little bastard in the face for calling him uptight but forced himself to take a deep breath instead. He couldn’t let Eren provoke him another time, he had to be better than that. Marco was always so certain that he was a good guy inside, it was his chance to prove him right.

“Maybe you don’t care about _your_ career, but some of us do.”

“Bullshit! You just don’t have the balls.”

Jean gritted his teeth and tensed up. Fuck it! He wasn’t a good guy and probably never would whatever Marco thought. And why did he always have this urge to punch Eren in the face, whatever the bastard was saying? Despite, himself, he took a step forward and raised his fists. He heard Marco sigh behind him as he was putting his hand on Jean’s shoulder.

“Guys, don’t start again.”

Jean ignored him.

“It has nothing to do with balls. Not in your case, anyway. At the end of the day, it’s all about your stupid hero complex and oversized ego.”

Eren took another step forward until their noses were almost touching and they could stare angrily at each other straight in the eyes.

“Say that again, horseface!”

“Eren!”

Behind Jean, Mikasa and Marco exchanged a discouraged look. The other cadets had made a circle around the four of them, betting on the outcome of the argument.

“Shut your mouth, shithead.”

Deciding that she was done with this surge of testosterone, Mikasa stood up between the two boys and caught them both by the ear. They groaned in pain and looked up at her.

“That’s enough.” She said in calm voice. “You two sound like children, not like soldiers. You’re making me ashamed.”

She released them both and left the circle to sit on one of the beds, not paying attention to any of them anymore. All eyes followed her and when she lied down on her back, they all came back to Jean and Eren who were massaging their ears and staring at each other in silence.

“You’re right.” Eren finally said. “Jean can stay here, all safe and comfy. I’ll go and get the ale.”

“No!” Mikasa and Jean’s voices sounded as one.

Mikasa sat up, ready to attack Eren’s ear again, and Jean pointed his finger toward him, menacing. He wouldn’t stand down as this little shit was taking the risks, that would mean letting him win their argument and this was absolutely out of the question. His pride was at stake here.

“I’ll go too.” He announced before Mikasa had the time to reprimand Eren.

“Jean!”

Without much consideration, Marco dragged him backwards. He was surprisingly strong and Jean had to lower his finger, too busy struggling to keep his balance.

“Don’t do it. If you get caught, you’ll never make it to the Military Police.”

“Then I won’t get caught.”

Jean extricated himself from his friend’s grip and, ignoring Marco’s sigh, went back to the others. Mikasa, with her arms crossed, looked pissed. Sasha, Connie and Reiner were surrounding Eren, and Bertholdt was standing right behind them, his face blank. Annie, Ymir and Christa, probably bored with the whole business, were gone.

“That settles it, then.” Connie announced. “Jean and Eren will go and steal the booze.”

“Maybe someone else should go with them.” Sasha intervened, looking slightly worried. “Just to make sure they don’t kill each other.”

“I’ll go.”

They all turned towards Reiner. He’d put his hands on Eren and Jean’s shoulders and was squeezing them as if he was trying to dissuade them to move.

“If they even start bickering, I’ll kick their sorry asses.”

“Reiner, no.”

Reiner’s attention shifted to Bertholdt. As he winked at him, he freed his two victims who judged safer to move back.

“I’ll be ok, Bert. Stop worrying for me.”

A flash of pain passed in Bertholdt’s eyes, too quick for Reiner to notice. He shrugged casually and left the circle to stand close to the window, motionless.

Following Reiner’s order, the three thieves-to-be gathered alone on of one of the beds to prepare their plan. Marco stood in the middle of the room with Mikasa for a while, wondering if he should try and talk some senses into Jean’s mind. Was the idiot even aware of the risk he was about to take? Of course he was but Marco had learnt very quickly that his boyfriend was easily provoked, especially by Eren. He couldn’t understand why they couldn’t stand each other when it was so clear to him that they were similar in many aspects. Marco bit his lips. He could try and talk him out of this plan as much as he wanted, he was very conscious that nothing would convince Jean to forget about it. Not even him. The thought hurt but Marco dismissed it. A lot of thing about Jean still hurt him and he had made his peace with the fact that he would have to be patient.

After a deep sigh, he left Mikasa alone to keep watch on them. She seemed very tense and Marco didn’t even try to talk some sense into her either. She was as stubborn as they come when Eren was involved, and he didn’t have the strength to fight her as well. Especially when he knew that he had no chance to win.

Marco turned his back on them and spotted Bertholdt, still standing motionless near the window. Without another thought, Marco decided to join him. The boy was kind, not as keen to socialise as Reiner, an attitude that Marco had always put on the account of shyness. But shy or not, Bertholdt was always ready to lend a helping hand and it pained Marco to see him in such distress. He doubted that the others had noticed but Marco had enough practice with Jean to spot when someone was fighting a battle in their minds.

“Hey Bertholdt, you okay?”

The boy, clearly lost in his thoughts, jumped and turned towards Marco, fists clenched. He seemed to relax when he noticed who had spoken and sighed tiredly.

“Yeah.”

Marco bit his lips. He wasn’t stupid, he knew it was a lie and his first instinct was to leave him be. If Bertholdt didn’t want to talk about it, it was his right. But, as he was about to walk away, his eyes fell on Jean and Reiner, whispering on the other side of the room and he felt a little ball of anxiety being born in his stomach. Bertholdt followed his gaze and after a sigh, passed his arm around Marco’s shoulders.

“Is there something on _your_ mind?”

Marco turned to look at him. He had been the one coming to Bertholdt to comfort him, how had he managed to lose control of the situation so quickly? He briefly closed his eyes. He had never thought about it, but now that there was an opening, he felt like he had so many things he wanted to talk about, without being able to. Bertholdt was offering him more than a friendly conversation, he was giving him an opportunity to vent. He looked at Jean again, a sad expression on his face.

“I just feel invisible sometimes.” Bertholdt didn’t say anything, so he decided to keep going. “Like tonight. No matter how much I tell him how risky it is, he just doesn’t listen. It’s like I don’t even exist anymore, you know. And it’s not just tonight. It happens all the time. It’s like he gets an idea into his mind and everything that isn’t it doesn’t matter anymore. Including me.”

Marco stopped. He hadn’t planned to talk so much. But he had never expressed those thoughts aloud before and once they had started to get out, there had been no way of stopping them. He wanted to look up at Bertholdt, to see his expression, but he was too scared to see mockery on his face so he chose to keep looking at Jean instead.

Several minutes passed before Berthodlt said anything. Marco would have walked away – the silence was too awkward – but the boy’s arm on his shoulder prevented him from doing any movements.

“I know how you feel.”

Marco frowned and remembered how Reiner had spoken to his friend before. They both also aimed for the Military Police, Reiner was taking as much risks as Jean there.

“It’s like talking to a wall sometimes.” Bertholdt continued. “And you get so mad at him, you promise yourself you’ll tell him how you feel but he becomes this nice guy you love and you just can’t bring yourself to it because you’re the weak one. He’s always been the strong one and if he can live without you, you certainly can’t.”

Marco looked up. Bertholdt’s face was expressionless as he was looking at Reiner.

“You’re not weak. You’re everything but weak. Ok, Reiner is strong but it doesn’t make you lesser than him. Your strength lies somewhere else.”

Bertholdt frowned and looked at him.

“Where does it lie?”

“You’re clever and loyal and kind.”

Bertholdt let out a strangled laugh before starting to cough. He looked down at Marco with big red eyes, his face distorted with some kind of dread. Marco frowned. That’s not the reaction he had expected.

“What is it?”

“Sorry. It’s just that I don’t see myself as the loyal kind of guy.”

Marco smiled.

“Give yourself more credit.”

Bertholdt opened his mouth to answer but must have thought against it and remained silent. He removed his arm from Marco’s shoulder. The freckled boy was about to add something but Reiner’s voice caught their attention before he had the time to say a word.

“Alright guys, here’s what we’ll do.” He was standing in the middle of the room, flanked by Eren and Jean. “Tomorrow evening, we’ll steal the ale. Only us three will be involved, so if it turns sour, we’ll be the only ones facing the consequences. We’ll hide the bottle, Jean will take care of this, he’ll be the only one knowing so no one will be tempted to take it before it’s time.”

“Why don’t we keep it in the dorm?” Connie asked.

“Because you can be sure the instructors will check it when they notice their ale is gone, moron.” Jean replied.

“That’s also why we’ll have to wait at least two weeks before drinking it. If we all show up with headaches and long faces the next morning, they’ll put two and two together and we’ll all be in trouble. I’ll be the one deciding when it’s safe to have a little party of our own.”

Connie opened his mouth to talk but Reiner stopped him with an impatient wave of his hand.

“Now, everybody goes to bed.”

As if Reiner’s word was law, they all obeyed and only five minutes later, the dorm was silent.

 

 

Eren was an agile piece of shit.

Jean looked up, admiring the ease with which he was climbing the façade of the instructors’ quarters. Unlike the rest of the barracks, the building was two-storey high : the offices and infirmary were located on the ground floor and the other two storeys were restricted. You didn’t need to be a genius to guess it was the instructors’ private rooms. They wouldn’t need to go upstairs though, except for Eren.

Breaking in the building had proved to be harder than they had expected. All windows were sealed on the ground floor and the front door was locked. Reiner, whose plan had been to pick the lock, had failed. The system was too complex to be overcome by a mere pin. Their only remaining hope lied in an open window, on the second floor. Eren had observed the façade for some long minutes before announcing that he would try the climb. Reiner had helped him start and the boy had continued alone, getting more and more comfortable as he was moving up.

After what felt like an eternity, Eren reached the window. Jean saw him check inside and hauled himself in. When he appeared behind a window of the ground floor, one minute later, Jean realised he had been holding his breath the whole time and proceeded to take a long breath out. Eren opened the window from the inside and the other two joined him without further difficulty.

They were in the hall of the building. Around them, several doors were closed and a flight of stairs rose towards the upper floor. Without a sound, they headed after Reiner for one of the doors, the one leading to the office where Armin had spotted the ale. They tried the handle but it was closed, allowing Reiner to prove his talent at picking locks. He had borrowed one of Annie’s pin and after 30 seconds, they were in. They separated to search the room and it was Eren who found not one but four bottles of ale. He brandished two of them with a giant smile. Reiner thumbed up and as they were moving towards the door, sounds were heard above them. First a door opening, followed by two voices coming from upstairs. They exchanged a panicked look. Whether they had been heard or the instructors were still not in bed at 2 in the morning didn’t really matter at the moment : either way, they were screwed. They couldn’t hope to escape the way they had come in – it would take too long. Jean eyed the window. They could try and make a run for it through there but he could hear the men in the hall now, an earshot away, and he had to assume they definitely would hear them go through the window. They probably wouldn’t catch them running but they surely would pick the three boys up directly at the barracks, with their theft. That’s what Jean would do anyway and he had to assume they would react the same. Too dangerous.

“We hide in here. They won’t come in.” Reiner, who must have had reached the same conclusion, whispered.

Still, the chances of being caught were too high. Jean swore between his teeth, he wasn’t going to forfeit his whole career, damn his whole life, because of insomniac instructors. There had to be another way out of there. He looked at the window again. If one of them could distract the men, then the other two would be able to make a run for it unnoticed. Jean bit his lips, a skeleton of a plan forming in his mind. He had an idea, he would have to play dumb but being a moron wouldn’t cost him the Military Police. Unlike being a thief. He took a deep breath, his mind racing. He couldn’t afford to improvise, but the plan was simple enough to work. He turned towards Eren.

“Kick me.” He whispered.

“What…”

“Shut up, I have an idea. Kick me.”

Reiner and Eren looked at each other.

“Come on guys, we don’t have much time. Kick me in the back.”

Jean turned in his back on them and waited. He didn’t have the time to explain. Besides, even if they kept their voices low there was still a risk that they could be heard. The blow above his kidneys took him by surprise and made him bit his tongue. He felt the taste of blood in his mouth. Even better.

“Kick me again. Higher this time.”

“But …” Reiner started but Eren kicked again.

The little shit was enjoying it. Jean felt tears water his eyes as the pain was travelling through his whole body. He pushed the soreness aside, silently thanking Louis Stamps for teaching him the hard way how to take blow without a sound. He tousled his hair, put his shirt out of his trousers and turned towards the other.

“You two stay quiet. I’ll deal with them.”

Ignoring their puzzled looks, he opened the window and jumped out. He ran around the building in direction of the front door and started to knock frantically.

“Help! Help!”

As he had expected, it wasn’t long before the door unlocked and two of his instructors appeared at the threshold.

“Kirstein? What on earth are you doing at this time of night?”

He could feel blood dripping on chin and closed briefly his eyes, holding himself at the frame of the door. That was the time to take a dramatic look.

“What happened to you?” the second instructor asked.

“I fell, sir. I don’t feel very well.”

To give himself more credit, he tried a step forward and stumbled, catching hold of one of the men’s arm not to fall.

“Come on in.”

They escorted him towards the infirmary and as they were passing in front of the door Reiner had just picked, he said :

“I really feel like a shithead, sir.”

He hoped that Eren would get the message and understand that he was clear for them to get the hell out of there. Maybe he should have explained that part of the plan. He clenched his jaw. It all relied on Eren’s ability to understand what he was saying. Even himself could see the irony in that, given that communication had never been their forte.

Inside the sickbay, they helped him sat on the bed and one of them had a look at his tongue.

“It doesn’t seem to be bleeding anymore. Just wash your mouth.”

He gave Jean a glass a water and the boy proceeded to do as he was told. The two spots where Eren had kicked him were still causing him a throbbing pain but he was pretty sure that bruises had already started to form and it was vital for his plan.

“What happened Kirstein?”

“I fell on my back, sir. I must have slipped and I banged my head on the ground. As I wasn’t feeling very well, I judged best to come to you, in case I have a concussion.”

The instructors shared a annoyed look but nodded eventually. Jean, who had been holding his breath, exhaled. They seemed to believe him. Thank God those two were not the sharpest tools in the box.

“How were you feeling?”

“Nauseated, dizzy, like I was about to faint.”

They ordered him to lie down and checked his eyes. Jean tried to listen to any noise Eren and Reiner would make going out but he couldn’t hear anything and decided to take it as a good sign.

“And you bit your tongue when you fell?”

Jean nodded. It was easier than he had planned.

“Did you hurt yourself anywhere else?”

Jean rolled on his side and lifted his shirt. His bruised back was the last piece of evidence to support his story.

“My back is killing me.”

They had a look and Jean could see one of them grimace. Did it look that bad already?

“Yeah well, you must have knocked against rocks or something. It’s not even bleeding, just bruised. You’ll survive.”

Jean lied on his back again. He didn’t need to fake a grimace of pain. Eren seemed to have put all his strength in his kicks and Jean promised himself to make him pay, one way or another.

“What were you doing out of bed in the middle of the night, Kirstein?”

Jean swallowed slowly. He had expected this question but it was still the part of the plan he was the least confident about.

“I couldn’t sleep, sir. I have insomnia, you see, and when it happens I need to go for a walk. It helps.”

“And why were you all dressed?”

“It’s cold outside, sir. I didn’t want to risk catching a cold.”

Jean struggled hard not to look away. He knew that if he did, he would betray himself somehow and they would start asking more questions until he gave himself up. He had to hold on. Just one more second. Finally, the instructor passed his hand on his face, looking tired.

“I see. Well, you’ll stay here for the rest of the night, to make sure you don’t have a concussion. If you’re fine in the morning, you’ll go back to training with the others. That serves you well, cadet, you should know better than wandering out at night.”

“Yes, sir.”

They both nodded and left him alone. Jean closed his eyes and smiled. He had made it, he could finally relax. If Reiner and Eren had gotten out, their plan was a complete success. Better than that, Eren would be indebted to him for saving his ass and that was the best feeling in the world.

 

 

Jean didn’t sleep much that night. The bed was uncomfortable and cold without Marco in it. Besides, his back was still sore and he couldn’t find a position that didn’t hurt. In the morning, the instructors kicked him out when he declared he was feeling much better and that he didn’t have a concussion after all. They left him half an hour before the start of the day to have breakfast and get ready.

When he reached the barracks, the other cadets were all sat at the wooden table, eating breakfast. As he walked in, Eren and Reiner almost jumped to their feet to join him before anyone else had the time to see him.

“What happened, man?” Reiner asked.

Jean thumbed up with a dorky smile.

“All good!”

“Geez man, we thought they had arrested you or something.” It was Eren. Jean raised an eyebrow. Had the little bastard been worried for him?

“No, I spent the night in the infirmary. I told them I fell and banged my head, they totally bought it.”

“That was a clever plan.” Reiner admitted. “We just wished you had told us about it. After you left we didn’t know what to do. We took our chance when you said something about shithead, Eren guessed it was a signal or whatever.”

Jean nodded approvingly. In the end, he could work with Eren. Life was surprising like that sometimes. It didn’t mean that they would suddenly become thick as thieves – Jean laughed at his own thought and when the others asked about it, he simply shook his head. He was in a good mood. He was allowed to laugh at his own private jokes. Maybe Marco would find it funny too… Speaking of which. He squirmed, trying to look behind Reiner and Eren to spot Marco but before he could see him, Reiner put his hand on his shoulder, forcing him to remain still.

“The bottles are under Eren’s mattress. We put them there not to attract too much attention but you should go and hide them. They’ll notice they’re gone and start searching any moment.”

Jean nodded. When he had started to draw again, he had noticed that one of the tiles behind the toilets was moving, hiding a small cavity. He had used it since to hide his drawings (he didn’t want anyone to find them, not yet) and there was enough room in there to hide the four bottles as well. As no one had found his secret yet, he was pretty sure that he was the only one aware of the place.

If he wanted to have shower (and he was in fact dying to have one) he would have to skip breakfast though. He couldn’t afford to arrive late, not today. With a deep sigh, he turned around to find Marco standing there, arms crossed, looking slightly mad.

“Where were you?”

Jean beamed at him but the stern expression he received in return killed his good mood.

“We had a little mishap, but I’m ok…” he started to explain.

“Do you have any idea of how worried I have been?”

He bit his lip and had the good sense of looking down in shame. He had thought about Marco, naturally, he had missed him during the night in the infirmary but he hadn’t imagined that he would be so pissed at him. Although, now that he was thinking about it, he could well see that he kind of deserved it.

“Sorry. It was the only way not to get caught. I saved Reiner and Eren’s asses, you should be proud.”

Marco smiled a little and cursed himself for it. Couldn’t he stay mad at his stupid boyfriend for more than five minutes?

“I’m glad you’re socialising a bit but I’d prefer if it didn’t involve theft.”

Jean smirked back, happy to see that Marco seemed to have forgiven him already and dragged him out.

“Sorry about that but I’ll tell you all about it if you join me in the shower in … let’s say ten minutes.”

Marco shook his head and his index followed.

“May I remind you that showering together is still out of the picture?”

Jean pouted. Clearly, this conversation wasn’t going where he wanted it to, to Marco’s greatest pleasure.

“If you join me, I’ll make amends.”

Marco patted his nose pensively.

“I’ll think about it.”

Without waiting for an answer, he turned back and joined the others for breakfast, a thin smile on his lips, his mind already made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't finished to write next chapter yet (it's one of those I decided to add at the last minute) and I don't think it'll be ready for tomorrow. I could probably finish to write it in time but editing takes me a lot of time so I think I'll just post it next Tuesday (sooooorry). All the others are already written AND edited, I'll just need to rewrite a couple of things and do minor changes, but there shouldn't be anymore delays (YAAAY)


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